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<<-With maths, 1 think that when one has to solve something, you should do it progressively without jumping _jumping in that way from one question to another when they are totally different, you know ... And then, to see how far you can go, although 1 don't know myself! And it's precisely that, I am searching for a way of life ... a stability ...It is perhaps because 1 am looking for something that will make me stable, because 1 know very well that in myself, 1 am not.>>
Mathematics offers the possibility of gaining internal stability or a way of testing it out. In other words, it serves to set limits, but also sometimes to reinforce the ego.
<<-One day I'll be in a good mood, the next day I'll feel quite the opposite. I know very well I'm unstable. Well, perhaps I'm looking for something else; I think I've found it in maths, but that now it's much more difficult for me.
-What do you mean when you say you are not stable?
I-t's ... 1 don't know ... the mind and the thoughts ... in short, one day 1 will have quite bright, cheerful ideas and everything ... the next day I've black thoughts. And it's just that there's a contrast which comes about inside me. It's that, generally, when it's fine when the sun's shining, it's then that I'm most black.
With my previous maths, I'd found a bit of stability, much more so than I find now.>>
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<<-What are these things you call black thoughts?
-I don't know ... I don't know. Well, how strange life is! In short, it's not always pleasant ... there are things like that. 1 try to throw myself in to my work by trying to work, to forget all these black ideas. It's often difficult, they always return ... afterwards, just the same... Well, 1 think that it affects your health. It's not easy either, everyday, In short, 1 think that everything is held in. I don't know exactly what, well I'm ill..
. I've a little brother and I've great difficulty in getting on with him because he's always full of ... he's always on the go. And then he really takes life a it comes ... also I can't get on with him ... I'm as withdrawn as he's outgoing!>>
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Over-investment of energy in mathematics was functioning to keep the mind busy so that she does not think about the aggressive and guilt-making ideas and that she knows rationally 'how far you can go' in behaviour to a brother. |